Tinsel, Turkey and Tina Turner

Tinsel, Turkey and Tina Turner

‘Can’t believe you whipped your shoes off and went in’

Betty were standin’ at the door with her back to the driver. Looking up he sighed and gave me the thumbs up and a wink.

‘And why not, it’s my night away from home, it’s meant to be fun’ I said.

‘But it’s November, it’s dark and you’re…’

‘I’m what?’

‘Well I don’t like to say, ducky’

‘Well you’d better say. I’m what?  Too old to go paddlin’! Is that it?’

‘Well I certainly wouldn’t been seen doing it’

The driver were givin’ a wide-eyed look and shakin’ his head. It took me nearly all me strength not to laugh. But I held me reserve and tootled back to me seat…barefoot!

‘Honestly Jan, you don’t arf make me laugh’

‘Well she deserved it Pat, stupid stuck up woman that she is!’

I squatted down and wiped me feet with the tea-towel out me bag. Sittin’ up I saw that Betty had finished countin’ the heads of the returnees and were now tappin’ the driver on shoulder with one hand and had the other gripped tightly round a microphone.

‘You can get going in a minute Bob’

Bob gestured in agreement and started the engine.

‘Now ladies and gentleman…hello, one, two, testing, is this thing on Bob?’

‘Aye’

‘Oh yes, err hello, can I have your attention please?’

‘Oh no, not the bloody attention bit again’

Rose, two seats forward, twiddled with the volume on her hearin’ aid.

‘Am not listenin’ to her rattlin’ on again about stoppin’ for a pee break in half hour, bad enough we’re stoppin’ for tea-breaks in between, I’m sloshin’ around ‘ere like a water  filled balloon, giz us a nudge Mabel will ya when she’s sat down.’

‘Aye, will do ducky’

Rose gazed out the window, while Mabel rubbed her arthritic knees.

‘We should be arriving in Bramley in three quarters of an hour. Is that about right Bob?’

‘Aye’

‘We’ll stop then in case the need to… well, spend a penny takes any of you’

‘I would love to spend a penny if it TAKES you’

Pat slapped me gently on the arm whilst whisperin’ in her usual loud voice.

‘Jan stop it! You are a one, I’m sure you do it so she’ll hear you’

‘Don’t care if she does, pee and tea every half hour, silly bissom’

Forty-five minutes later Bob pulled into the Bramley Arms car park.

‘Ok folks, we’ll stop for fifteen minutes, tea and pee break.. ok? .we’ll be arriving at the Hillview Hotel in about an hour, dinner is due about eight. Is that right Bob?’

‘Aye’

‘So be back for six ok?’

Betty threw the microphone onto her seat, grabbed her handbag and was off the bus straight into the ladies, like a rat up a drainpipe.

‘I tell ya, that woman! Me and her. We will. Am tellin’ ya’

Rose’s hearin’ aid was back up to pin drop level. She sat shakin’ her head.

‘So hang on’ I said. ‘ we’re leavin’ ‘ere at six, gettin’ to the ‘otel be seven and eatin’ at eight...so at what point are we meant to be gerrin’ changed into these flamin’  costumes?’

Mine would take me at least half hour to get in to. And that’s not includin’ a shower . Ya see I decided to go as Tina Turner. Made me sen a gold dress n everythin’,  me daughter helped me pick the material. I’d searched all over town till I found a longish curly wig. I’d watched loads of videos of her. Oh aye she don’t arf  look good for her age.

‘So who you goin’ as?’

‘I’m simply the best!!’ I sang while standing up shaking me tush.

‘Who’s that supposed to be?’ laughed Pat.

I sat back down. Pat were never one for ‘avin’ a good memory except for where she’d left her ciggies. Usually on the bar next to the most flashin’ lookin’ fella that were there.  Not much luck on this trip though. We had to sort pal up with the over sixty’s from the next town.  This was our annual Turkey n Tinsel night out, it should have been just that, a night out but of course the ‘club committee’ i.e. Betty and her sidekick Susan decided it would be best if we stayed over.

‘Don’t fret Jan, dinner’s at nine, well it’s a buffet really’

Susan turned from her seat behind the driver. She was a timid little creature, who hung behind Betty like a shadow. It was a strange kind of friendship which I reckon were born off the back of the club. When me and Pat joined there were only five members including Susan and Betty. They were the young uns back then. The other three had formed the group sometime back in the seventie’s. They’d all shuffled off and left them two to get on wi it.

‘So what were Betty on with then?’ I said.

‘God knows, I think she’s got the wrong brochure or something’

I showed Pat the flimsy bit a glossy paper in me hand. The hotel on the front looked impressive; in reality the picture lied. Pat scanned the info inside.

‘Ah...yes, Turkey n Tinsel Cabaret Buffet. Nine pm, Oxford hall, Fancy dress optional.’

‘Bloody eight pm!! Stupid bissom’ I said

‘You did say we wanted a twin room didn’t ya Mabel?’

‘Of course, Rose...Why?

‘And it’s not next to ‘er is it?’

‘Well I don’t know do I’

‘Bloody hope not...here Susan!’

 ‘Yes Rose?’

‘You booked the rooms didn’t ya’

‘Yes Rose’

‘And are you sharin’ wit Betty?’

‘Yes Rose’

‘And...This is important! Have you booked our room to be the one next door to yours?’

‘No Rose, I remember you saying that you didn’t want to be next door to us’

‘Too bloody right I don’t’

‘So I put you opposite!’

Susan winked at me and got off the bus, grinnin’ like a crescent moon.

‘She did what!!!’ Rose shreaked.

Laughin’, I turned to Pat.

‘Ya see, told ya, Susan does have a sense of humour’

When Susan returned with Betty we were still laughin’ at Rose’s expense. She’d turned her hearin aid down again and were mumblin’ and did so for resta journey. It were just after seven when we arrived at Hillview Hotel. Giant floodlights lit it up like an escaped prisoner. It were great to get off that bus. Four hours sittin’ straight plays havoc on ya joints, even with the tea and pee breaks. Bob shifted the cases out from the hatches under the bus. Each took their own and headed for the main entrance.

‘Oh god I hope the bar’s open Jan, I could kill for a G n T’

‘Yeah I know what ya mean Pat, you goin’ to have a ciggie before we go in?’

‘Yeah I think I will’

With that, like rebellious teenagers we grabbed the handles of our suitcases and full of determination and bunions, marched off towards the smoker’s area. It were a slow paced march.

 A little after eight fifteen, me and Pat appeared outside the door of the Oxford Hall. There were large mirror on the wall and we stood checkin’ us out.

‘This material ain’t arf makin’ me skin itch Pat’

‘Stop stratchin’, ya makin’ ya arm red...watcha think hat or no hat?’

I looked at both suggestions, the hat did finish off the air hostess outfit...but the support stockins and sensible shoes gave it a...well let’s just say it were no ‘fly me’ statement.

‘Let me just nip out for a ciggie before we face that lot Jan, don’t think I could handle Rose as Mary Whitehouse without nicotine’

‘Yeah ok, but I’m not wantin’ to be long, ooh me feet are killin’ me in these heels’

Pat looked at my sensible shoes and the one inch high heel...so ok maybe sprayin’ ‘em gold were a bit over-the-top as she pointed out the paint splash on me ankle but they did match me dress.

‘Nice outfit Rose’ I said ten minutes later as we sat down at our table near the stage.

‘She’s turned her hearin’ aid down Jan, she don’t fancy listenin’ to the comedian that’s comin’ on’

Mabel pointed to the bill board. Lenny Brookemyer funny-man extraordinaire looked more like a bouncer in drag than a comic. He were on after a dance group and as it turned out were about as funny as a plastic coat-hanger. I nudged Pat and gestured if she wanted a ciggie. Relieved to escape we crossed the hotel foyer. 

‘Where you two going? I’ve been looking for Betty; you’ve not seen her have ya?’

Turnin’, me and Pat were faced with Dorothy complete with sparkly red shoes, a blonde wig and toy dog.

‘Lookin’ good Susan’ Pat said

‘Oh thanks Pat, you two look great’

‘Ta ducky, so where’s Betty then? Ya said ya were lookin’ for er’

‘No idea Jan, she left the room saying she’d see us downstairs, but that was over an hour ago’

‘Oh dunni worry about ‘er, she’s a big girl... in more ways than one! She can look after herself. Who she dressed as?’

‘Cher...’

‘CHER!!’ both me and Pat said together.

‘Yeah, long black curly wig, high heeled boots AND spandex!!!! It was not a pretty sight...anyway I’d best get back in there’ said Susan pointing towards the Oxford Hall.

Me and Pat just stood staring at each other, we both knew exactly what we were thinking. It just took a moment before the words came out.

            ‘Cher’ Pat said

            ‘Spandex?’ I said ‘I knew she were goin’ to dress up, but I were thinkin’ more Ethel Merman than Cher’

            ‘Definitely need that ciggie now Jan, don’t know if I could ever face Betty in spandex’

Headin’ outside, Pat rummaged in her bag for her fags. Findin’ em, she went in again for a light. It were then the flame appeared bein’ held in the hand of a rather dashin’ grey-haired gentleman.

‘Oh ta duck’ Pat said.

‘Duck? Did you just call me a duck, is that normal in your neck of the woods?’

I looked at Pat, waitin’ for an answer...silence! Her gaze were fixed, I giv her a quick shifty in the side and back to earth she came turnin’ red on re-entry. The man grinned. It were then I saw he were not on his own.

‘Oh hello’ I said

‘Hello’

He were tall, dark and handsome and if I’d bin thirty years younger I’d ‘ave told him so.

‘So what brings you beautiful ladies to Hillview?

‘Turkey and Tinsel, ain’t that right Pat’

‘Sorry what...oh yes! Turkey for Christmas dinner!’

 Pat had gone off into space again. I waved me hand in front of her face...nothin’!

‘You’ll have to excuse me friend here, she goes a bit loopy after a fag...’

‘Looks like he’s gone to the same place’

He nodded towards his friend, who was eye locked with Pat.

‘Yep looks like it’ I said.

‘So turkey and tinsel eh? sounds intriguing. A lot better than what we’ve got going on inside, I’m Tom by the way.’

‘Nice to meet ya Tom, I’m Jan.  Yeah turkey and tinsel aka The sixty plus Christmas doo, that’s turned into a free for all one night stay here, for fancy dress, bingo, and bed by ten’

‘Aha that explains the outfits’ 

‘What about you?’ I said.

‘Same’

We both laughed at that. He were a tall chap with a look of Howard Keel about him. He ‘ad brushed back silvery ‘air and wore a very flash waistcoat.

‘Here, what you two laughin’ about?’ said Pat.

‘Bed by ten’ Tom said.

Pat looked puzzled.

‘Right ‘ave you done with that fag yet? am gaggin’ for a drink.’ I said.

‘Nearly’

‘You wanting a drink? We got some bottles in the back of the van you’re welcome to pop over for a swig or two’

Tom were lookin’ towards me in a kinda elbow-in-the-ribs, one eye shut fashion. I felt meself goin’ red but before I could reply, a loud voice appeared.

‘Yoohoo hello girls!!’

Me and Pat turned. Good god, the sight that met our eyes...it were like Ann Widdecombe in a blonde wig and spandex.

‘Oh hello Betty! Nice outfit’ Pat said.

I were tempted to say something but bit me lip instead...I think it were shock, it’s not offen am lost for words.

‘Oh hello gentlemen, are you here with the other over sixty-ers?’

‘Err no, I’m Detective Sergeant Tom Rothmore and this is DC Geoff Baines.’

Both men were lookin’, both men looked stunned.

‘Oh you’re policemen, is there anything wrong? I’m sure our driver is well...’

‘Not at all, we were just about to nip over to the van with these young ladies for a quick one...’

‘Excuse me!!!’ Betty said.

‘It’s alright you can come too’

Me and Pat spun and looked at each other. Both our faces had the same – please say no – look on them.

‘Err no, we need to get inside, prizes for best fancy dress is coming up’

‘Well it will have to be a rain-check then’

Tom winked at me, took me hand and gently pressed his lips onto it. Pat and Geoff were exchangin’ bits o paper. They shook hands and we watched as they wandered off to the van.

‘Great timin’ Betty’ I said.

‘Yep bloody spot on!’ said Pat as we wandered back inside while ‘Cher’ totted off ahead.

‘So come on then, what were on that bit o paper?’

‘Phone number, it were easier than me tryin’ to put it in that mobile thing, I’ll get our Jem to do it when we get back, Geoff also put about us meetin’ them later for that drink!’

‘O eye, when?’ I said

‘In half hour, he told us to wait by the door to the Cambridge hall’

‘Best get this judgin’ over with then.’

Arf hour later, clutchin’ me rosette for second prize, we stood by the door opposite the Oxford hall. It swung open and Geoffs hand reached out for Pats and dragged her inside. I stood alone for a sec, not knowin’ what to do wit’ meself, when Tom came out.

‘Hello Jan, ah second prize, well deserved, are you ready for that drink now?’

‘Oooh I could murder a cuppa’ I said ‘but I’ll settle for a glass of white’

‘Come on then’ Tom said takin’ me by the hand. ‘I hope you can dance’

‘Well I used to do a mean jive but not so sure now days, its bin a while since I did any dancin’, let alone stay up past me bedtime’

‘There’ll be no early to bed for you tonight Tina!’

We both laughed as he pushed open the door to the Cambridge Hall.

            ‘And why not?’ I said ‘it’s my night away from home, it’s meant to be fun.’

©Mills Laine